Four Levels of Relationship

There are four main levels of romantic relationships that we see on Earth today. Being aware of which level we are currently engaging allows us to fully own our lessons there and grow to the next level more easily if we desire to do so. Each level is necessary for us to engage in order to move onto the next level. Each level has a different type of co-dependency, except for the Intuitive level, which is free from co-dependency. Some of us spend more time at a given level than others. We can also stagnate at any level, especially if we are unaware that more options exist. I am going to share a brief description of each of these levels so that you may get a sense of where you are in this process of evolution and have a map for your growth!

These four levels are identified as: Instinctive | Intellectual | Idealized | Intuitive

Instinctive Level

When we are at the Instinctive level of relationship, we seek safety in our partners. From birth, we are imprinted that our parents are providers of safety, because they keep us alive. In our romantic relationships at this level, we choose partners who are the same patterns as our parents, because they are familiar to us and we have the (unconscious) belief that they will make us feel safe. We are attracted to others for their sexiness or their intelligence. 

Although we may be strongly driven towards sexual relationships, we don’t really fully enjoy sex at this level, because we are unable to experience the fullness of it. We want pleasure, but the pleasure we experience is limited to either our sensations or our feelings, not both. In order to experience the wholeness of pleasure, we must be present to both sensations and feelings. 

We can tell that we are at the Instinctive level by the degree of excitement we experience in our relationships. Excitement is an ungrounded experience in the body that ultimately takes energy from us, rather than replenishing us. Excitement is distinct from aliveness, which is a grounded experience of enthusiasm in our bodies. Do we feel excited when someone finds us physically attractive? Are we excited by others’ outer appearances? Are we looking to be wanted? These are all indicators that we are instinctively driven.

What we are learning at this level is how to be more integrated within our bodies, so that we can experience real innate beauty, rather than objectified outer expressions of beauty. When we are integrated in our bodies, beauty becomes apparent all around us. We don’t seek outer things or addictive experiences to feel alive. We feel reliable aliveness from within and connect to others through shared life energy. 

Intellectual Level

When we are at the Intellectual level of relationship, we seek long term security in the partners we choose. At this point in our growth, it is about differentiating ourself from others to own our uniqueness, so we choose partners who are polar opposites to us. This is the level where the phrase “opposites attract” applies. We find ourselves most drawn to those who are different from us in certain ways, though they may initially seem to want the same things in life. We are attracted to others for their strength or their innocence. 

Although we may by attracted to polar opposite partners with the belief that we will make a great team together, we instead often end up polarized in defensiveness with our partners, unable to work with each other as we hoped we might. We seek power, but we end up feeling separate from one another because the power we experience is polarized towards either our thoughts or emotions. In order to experience balanced power, we must be present to both our thoughts and our emotions. 

We can tell we are at the Intellectual level by the degree of intensity we experience in our relationships. Are we always trying to prove that we are right? Or are we always submitting to our partner that they are right? Do we find ourselves in conflict frequently? These are all experiences of intensity. Intensity is distinct from wisdom, which is a balanced, truth inspiring experience. If our perspective is true, why do we need to push it upon others? When we are pushing, or being pushed upon, this indicates imbalances in truth. 

What we are learning at this level is how to integrate our mind, so that we can experience true wisdom, rather than partial, polarized expressions of truth. Partial truths are imbalanced towards thoughts or imbalanced towards emotions. Usually we choose a partner who has one half of the truth, the half that we do not have. For example, our partner is strong in their thoughts, while we are strong in our emotions. We come to learn that we need to create balance within ourselves, considering emotions and thoughts equally, to experience wholeness in truth. We are learning how to be autonomous in our relationships.

Idealized Level

When we are at the Idealized level of relationship, we seek self-importance through our partners. At this level, we choose partners who are more similar to us in their passions and ideals. We enjoy talking about the things we are passionate about, the world we would like to create and who we feel we are. At this level, we believe we are our ideals, so we choose partners who can reflect back to us more of ourselves through shared ideals. We want to know, what is our contribution to the world?

Although we may be attracted to people with similar passions and ideals, we eventually recognize that if we can’t ground those ideals into reality together, our capacity to contribute together is limited. We want passion, but passion without action leads to empty dreams. We learn that we need to get into action so that we can identify which ideals we actually have the capacity to bring into reality. Otherwise, we end up lost in the idea of what our relationship is, disconnected from the reality of it. 

We can tell that we are at the idealized level by the degree of anxiety we experience in our relationships. Are we finding ourselves alternately magnetized to people and then repulsed by them? Do we create stories about people and then later find out that they do not live up to who we thought they were? Do we expect others to believe that our ideals about ourselves are who we are, even if we are not living our ideals? 

What we are learning at this level is how to integrate our body with our mind, so that we can experience awareness in the moment, rather than being lost in an idealized dream world that we have no capacity to make real. We come to learn that in order to experience true passion, we have to live it by making our ideals real…. and in order to experience true intimacy, we have to be honest about the wholeness of who we are, the light and the dark. 

Intuitive Level

When we have reached the Intuitive level of relationship, we are no longer seeking safety, security or self-importance through our relationships. Rather, we seek creative connections that serve a purpose outside of our relationship, supporting our contribution in the world. We have fully accepted that we have come here to make a contribution and that our contribution is more important than a co-dependent exchange of needs. 

Intuitive level relationships choose service to others over self. They choose love over fear. They support us in fulfilling our missions on Earth.

***These levels have been identified through the scientific + spiritually based system of Higher Alignment. This writing is my own digestion and interpretation of this work, based on personal experience as well as my coaching work with individuals and couples. 

If you would like to understand your relationships more clearly and choose relationships that are aligned with your life lessons, reach out to me at katielovecoaching@gmail.com 

The Three Paths of Growth

Do you love to grow? I do… I love growing and I love supporting others in their growth! It can be helpful to have a map for how we grow, so I’ve created a list of three unique paths that you can engage to effectively grow:

#1 Conscious Relationship

If we pay attention to what arises in our personal relationships, we will have plentiful opportunities to grow. Relationships bring out our desires, our fears, our strengths and our challenges. Bringing consciousness into our relationships brings to light many opportunities to work with aspects of ourselves, learn from one another and grow, both individually and as a couple. We can apply the lessons of conscious relationship to literally ANY of our relationships (friendships, love relationships, work relationships, etc), but the container for growth is richer if both parties are committed to the process.

My partner Bodi and I use Conscious Relationship as a path of growth. We see both our challenges and our strengths as opportunities to grow. One of our most apparent challenges early on in our relationship was that Bodi naturally communicates in a ‘Feel First’ style, while I naturally communicate in a ‘Think First’ style (to read more about communication process, refer here). This is an inherent difference that often created miscommunications between us . However, we both committed to becoming more balanced in our communication (me coming more into my heart, Bodi coming more into his head) and as a result of this commitment we have become more effective communicators, both with each other and those around us. Rather than viewing this inherent incompatibility as a negative thing, we chose to see it as an opportunity to grow in our own capacities to communicate in a more balanced, effective way.

#2 - Authentic Life Expression

This area of growth relates to our Life Work. Specifically, what is our unique human design and how may we best contribute to the universe? What do we feel committed to focusing on and who do we serve? The Japanese concept of ‘Ikigai’ is a helpful tool for understanding our Authentic Life Expression. ‘Ikigai’ translates to ‘a reason for being’ and is the intersection of “what you love”, “what you are good at”, “what you can be compensated for” and “what the world needs”. Focusing on developing our Authentic Life Expression creates opportunities to grow through expanding the content (what we do), the context (how we do it) and the intent (why we do it) of our contribution.

My father Mark, by design, is a creative builder. He has been a self-employed contractor for virtually his whole working life, building and renovating homes for families and structures for businesses. Recently, he expanded his Authentic Life Expression through creating a non-profit organization called This Is Now Your Home (T.I.N.Y. Home), which provides truly low-income housing for those who need a hand up (homeless individuals, veterans, etc.). While remaining true to his life work, he has expanded what he does (to include building energy-efficient tiny homes), he has expanded how he does it (to include tax-deductible donations and volunteer service as the primary sources of abundance for the project) and he has expanded why he does it (to serve those in need, who cannot afford housing as the system is set up now). By expanding the content, context and intent of his Life Work, my father is using his Authentic Life Expression as a path of growth.

#3 - Community Development

Humans are interdependent beings. When we build effective communities and work together co-creatively, we can accomplish much more than we can on our own. Communities can be developed in a myriad of ways, but members usually have a shared intention - some reason that they are joining together, or something that they are working towards together. Being in community presents many opportunities for growth, including finding authentic ways to contribute that serve the collective and navigating complex relational dynamics in group settings.

My friend BJ is an 84 year old steward of the Hummingbird Community, a community dedicated to conscious evolution and living in harmony with the planet. She is totally committed to the community and serves in many ways - from building relationships with visitors and potential members, to spending hours every day tending the land and the gardens, to managing the office. Her devotion to the community has supported her growth into a wise elder who is frequently sought out for the loving wisdom that radiates from her being.

Choosing a Path

You can choose one, two or all three of these paths of growth. If you focus on one, you will likely experience more rapid forward progress. If you focus on all three, the growth will be slower but you may experience a greater sense of balance. Of course, there are interrelationships and a natural overlap between these paths. May you enjoy the exploration of these three potent paths of growth in your own life!

Decision Making Approach

Please reflect on the following questions to bring more understanding to your decision making process:

Do you:

(1) like to know all of your options before you make a decision?

OR

(2) find something you like and feel happy to choose it without needing to know other options first?

Do you:

(1) feel more spacious with time around decision making?

OR

(2) think that time is of the essence when decisions are being made? 

Are you:

(1) more entrepreneurial and independent?

OR

(2) more content being part of larger groups or organizations where you and your team members keep each other on track? 

• If you resonate more with the (1)s, you are likely more of a Divergent decision maker.

• If you resonate more with the (2)s, you are likely more of a Convergent decision maker. 

• If you resonate equally with both, you are likely 50/50 or Variable in your decision making approach.

In my love relationship, my partner Bodi is naturally Divergent, while I am 50/50 Convergent and Divergent.

For greater insight in understanding how we make decisions, we can look at three main areas of life- relationships, personal creativity and work. 

Bodi and I are both divergent in relationships - so we are more flowing, spacious and unconcerned about time when it comes to our relationship with each other and with our friends and family. We easily make relationship decisions together.

Bodi is divergent in his personal creativity, and I am variable in this area, so we also do pretty well making decisions in creative spaces together, such as while teaching workshops, guiding coaching sessions and traveling. 

This is our challenge: I am convergent at work and Bodi is divergent at work (so we have no natural overlap in this area). When we work together on projects at home, for example, Bodi likes to have a lot of options for what he could work on on any given day, so he is always opening up new projects and then choosing what he feels like doing each day. I am more focused and prioritized with projects so my preferred way is to start a project then work on it to completion before beginning a new one. 

Bodi looks at the bigger picture and the potential of a situation and is less time oriented. He therefore has no concerns with having dozens of projects open simultaneously - it is creatively inspiring to him to have many options. I, however, like completing things, checking them off the list and moving on in a timely manner. This makes work feel more productive and makes the environment feel more peaceful to me. 

So how do we work together in areas where our natural decision making process differs?

If one of us has the capacity to be flexible, we will make a conscious decision to meet the other in their style. If I feel I can be flexible, I will surrender to his divergent style, essentially get into that space with him and follow his lead. If Bodi feels he can be flexible, he will meet me in my needs for focused and prioritized decision making, offering more structure and timeliness to me. This is good practice for both of us to understand each other’s natural ways of making decisions.

Another option is that we can meet in the middle. Say we want to watch a movie together - usually I would rather not spend a lot of time looking at options (while he may enjoy that) - so we would meet in the middle by spending 7 minutes or so looking at options and we would choose after we have seen all the options we can in that time frame.

If neither of us feels we can be flexible and move toward the other, we will not make decisions together in that particular area of our lives. Where we do not align, we may create our own domains. For example, with household projects in which we are challenged to make decisions together, Bodi has his domains and I have mine. If I want to work with him in his domain, I’ll have to meet him in his style and vice versa.  

What about you? Do you feel you are more convergent, divergent or 50/50 in your decision making? Do you naturally line up with your partner in this area or do you sometimes struggle to make decisions together? 

Understanding Communication Process

Even if we speak the same language as our partner, we may have different ways of communicating, which can be almost as confusing as a foreign language barrier! In communication, we all think, feel and act, but we do it in different sequences from one another. We call this factor of compatibility ‘Communication Process’. Understanding differences and similarities on this level can have a major impact on our relationships. 

Here are the different communication processes we observe in humans:

Think Feel Act
Think Act Feel
Feel Think Act
Feel Act Think
Act Think Feel
Act Feel Think
Simultaneous and Equal

For simplicity’s sake, today I will speak about ‘Think First’ and ‘Feel First’ individuals, since those make up the vast majority of who will be reading this blog. (Note: we see more ‘Act First’ individuals in certain indigenous communities and in Africa - you can see this in how movement is predominantly used to communicate, more so than words.)

Think First
If you are a think first individual, the first thing you are seeking in a communication is ‘the point’ or the truth. If a person in front of you is talking, your mind is (consciously or unconsciously) thinking, ‘what is the point of what this person is saying?’ Once you know the point, you can move on to the next step in your process. If you are communicating with another ‘think first’ person, this will happen naturally and communication will flow more easily. If you are communicating with a feel first person, you may be confused about ‘where they are going’. You are more time oriented when it comes to communication. You are tuned into the thoughts of others and are intellectually sharp in your communications.

Feel First
If you are a feel first individual, the first thing you are seeking in communication is harmony. You see communication as more fluid and are curious what the person in front of you might be interested in, which will drive the direction of the conversation. You may not know ‘the point’ until harmony is established. You may tell stories in which ‘the point’ comes at the end. If you are communicating with another ‘feel first’, this will happen naturally and communication will flow more easily. If you are communicating with a think first, you may be confused about context and wonder ‘what are they talking about?’ You are less time oriented when it comes to communication. You are highly aware of the feelings and emotions of others as they communicate. 

Communication Process in My Relationship
I am a ‘think first’ and my partner Bodi is a ‘feel first’. Although there are many things we appreciate about our difference on this level, it does represent one of the greatest challenges in our relationship. Having this awareness has been instrumental in enhancing our ability to understand and communicate with one another. 

Here’s an example of how it can look when we miss each other:

Option 1: Bodi starts talking, telling a story perhaps. I’m not sure what the point of the story is so my mind is scanning for that. I’m also not sure how long this story will be and I have trouble concentrating because I don’t know if I’m in for 1 minute, 5 minutes, 20 minutes until ‘the point’ is revealed. 

Option 2: I start talking without offering context and Bodi looks at me with this look like ‘what the heck are you talking about?’ He is unclear about how I arrived at the current thought, it seems random and ‘out of nowhere’ from his perspective.

Here’s how we correct:

If Bodi (a feel first) has something to share and he wants me (a think first) to hear him:
Bodi will recognize that in order for me to pay attention to his story, he will either have to offer the point upfront or get to it relatively quickly. If he considers the story ahead of time he can access the point more easily. It can also be helpful for him to offer me a time frame by saying ‘this will be a two minute story.’

If I (a think first) have something to share and I want Bodi (a feel first) to hear me:

I will pay attention to the tone of my voice, which matters a lot to feel firsts. I will make sure the situation feels harmonious - I might use smiling, touch and relaxation in my body to establish this. I will have plenty of time on my hands. I will recognize that Bodi is not in a ‘psychic thought field’ (as he calls it) like we ‘think first’ people are, so I will offer context to him when I have something to share. Rather than just sharing a ‘random’ thought that pops in, I will start with telling him how I arrived at the thought. 

If I am speaking and Bodi wants to adapt his listening to my natural think first style:

He will shift his energy more into his head, becoming more sharp and alert. If the context of what I am talking about is unclear to him, he will ask short, simple questions for his understanding. He will give small confirmations to assure me that he is tracking me. He’ll say things like, ”mmm”, “huh”, “yeah”, “that’s interesting”. He will validate that what I am saying makes sense.

If Bodi is speaking and I want to adapt my listening to his natural feel first style:

I will relax in my body, shift my energy into my heart and take the perspective that ‘I am along for a ride’ as he launches into a story or whatever it is that he is sharing. I will let go of the need to have a point upfront and simply enjoy the process. I will let go of time, allowing more spaciousness into the conversation. I will convey to him, sometimes through words, sometimes through my body (with touch or a nod of my head) that I understand him. 

As Bodi and I have consciously practiced these techniques, they have become more natural for us. We have come to appreciate our differences and we now rarely run into trouble communicating despite our different styles. In order for any communication to be complete it needs all three elements - thinking, feeling and acting. The most advanced communicators do these elements simultaneously and in equal proportions. Bodi and I consider our adaptations to one another as ways of moving towards being more simultaneous and equal. This shifts what could be viewed as a ‘downside’ into an opportunity for growth and expansion.

What about you? Do you feel you are naturally a think first or a feel first? Is your partner the same or different from you? 

Pacing

What Is Pacing?

Pacing is how we process information. Some of us process small chunks, rapidly, and others of us process larger chunks, over more time. Slower paced people are always fitting new pieces of information into a larger picture, whereas faster paced people are moving quickly from one piece of information to the next. 

Pacing has nothing to do with intelligence. For example, Albert Einstein was VERY slow paced, he had a pacing of about 35. His slower pace allowed him to see the bigger picture of things and make great contributions in theoretical physics.

The population as whole, we place on a scale from 0 to 100 and it creates a bell shaped curve. So, most of the population has a pacing between 40 and 60, with fewer individuals in the very fast and very slow range.

Slow paced - 40 or lower

Mid paced - between 40 and 60

Fast paced  - 60 or higher

How Pacing Impacts your Relationships

If you have a significantly different pacing than your partner, you will feel this difference energetically. If you are faster paced, you may feel impatient or frustrated, and find yourself completing your partner’s sentences. If you are slower paced, you may find yourself exhausted and unable to complete your thoughts and explanations about things when in the presence of a faster paced partner. To faster paced people, those with slower paces may seem slow or drawn out to you. To slower paced people, those with faster paces may seem like they are jumping from one thing to the next too quickly. 

If you have the same pacing as your partner, it will be easy to be together over longer periods of time. You will not feel energetically depleted in their presence due to pacing differences. If your pacing is different, the more you will need to take breaks from your partner to rejuvenate. The greater the difference, the more frequently you will need to take breaks. When we sleep, our bodies need to rest at our home base pacing. So if our pacing is more than 15 points different from our partner’s, we may find it helpful to sleep in separate beds a few nights out of the week so that we can sleep soundly and wake up feeling well rested.

Simply having an awareness of pacing can allow you to more easily adapt to your partner. If you know that your partner is slower paced than you, then you can consciously choose to slow down when you are in their presence. If you know that your partner is faster paced than you, then you can rev yourself up in their presence. If you meet in the middle, there will be more ease and flow in your interactions.

Pacing in My Own Relationships

My partner Bodi has a pacing of 60, while mine is 65. I am a bit faster than him but it is not enough to notice most of the time. Usually we can go long periods together and feel energized in each other’s presence. In the past, I have had relationships with men who were as low as 45, which is mid-paced, but 20 points lower than me! It used to frustrate me but once I became conscious of it, it actually allowed me to cultivate greater patience for others and have more flexibility in my own pacing.

What about you? Do you think you are slow, mid or fast paced? Are you slower or faster than your partner? If you feel there is a difference, see how long it takes before you notice your energy start to go down when you are in the presence of your partner. Honor this and take breaks as you need!

Love Is Being Your True Nature

How Each Creative Energy Experiences Love

Love in its highest form is the expression of our true nature or the nature of our soul. We are all unique creative beings who creatively contribute in a myriad of ways. There are seven creative energies that exist in our world. Each being on our planet holds these energies in various proportions. Human adults have a primary creative energy, a secondary creative energy and tertiary creative energy (also called the mental body). Understanding these energies can help us to understand how we experience love. 

See if you can identify which energies you have within you by how you experience love. Go deep within yourself - which are the most true for YOU, independent of what you may have been taught by your parents, your partners or society. Whichever description resonates the MOST is likely the energy that you are currently embodying the most. This could be your primary, your secondary or your tertiary energy, depending on where you are in your development. 

Consider the following in terms of how you give and receive love. Which of these expressions feels like the most natural way for you to be yourself? Which of these expressions makes you feel seen and loved by others? 

1 Orchestrators

Orchestrators experience love through group action. They show love by demonstrating their commitment to action and their comprehensive understanding of how things work on a massive scale. They love when others commit and engage fully in a process with them, leading to powerful outcomes. Think Gandhi.

2 Compassionates

Compassionates experience love through sharing physical affection and attentive care. They embody and share their innate loving wisdom. They love acts of service, offering gifts, supporting the common good and responding to the needs of others. Think Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King, Jr. 

3 Implementers

Implementers experience love through physical activities - bonding through action. They possess in themselves and appreciate in others a willingness to participate in all activities. They have extraordinary body wisdom. They love efficient project completion. Think Serena Williams or Chuck Norris. 

4 Inventors

Inventors experience love through freedom and openness. They are out-of-the box problem solvers who love spontaneous adventures and trying new things. Adaptability, flexibility and availability are all qualities that allow inventors the spaciousness to be free to experience life’s opportunities as they come. Think Marilyn Monroe or Bob Marley. 

5 Investigators

Investigators experience love through shared curiosity and discovery of truth. They love mutual research, interconnecting thoughts and traditional problem solving. They are the most neutral and unbiased of all the creative energies, thus they appreciate open hearted neutral connections. Think Carl Sagan or Jane Goodall.

6 Visionaries

Visionaries experience love through physical touch, quality time and being fully present in an experience, with highly focused attention. They love spiritual exploration and grounding spiritual energy on the planet, connecting us to a higher truth. They help people wake up to their true nature. Think Jesus Christ or Amma. 

7 Storytellers

Storytellers experience love through playfulness, humor and group expression. They love understanding, illuminating and conversing about patterns and events. They use their voice to bring people together. Storytellers love to be heard and felt in their resonant voice and the words they share. Think Oprah or Jerry Seinfeld. 

I hope you have enjoyed reading about how different creative energies experience love! The source of this wisdom is Higher Alignment, the Alice Bailey Work and the Tibetan Monk Djwal Khul. If you are curious to learn more about your own creative energies or for more information on how to access these teachings, please reach out to me with a private message. 

The Elements Of Nature as Sexual Energies

How to feel the elements of nature as sexual energies in your body

Everything is made up of the five elements - earth water fire wind and space. In a sexual experience, if we focus and stay connected to our breath and to the sensations in our bodies, we can feel the elements as energy moving through us, creating varying effects. What do the elements of nature feel like as sexual energies in our bodies?

Think about the way these elements would move in nature:

• earth ~ slow moving mud, mudslide, landslide, earthquake

• water ~ trickle, stream, flow, wave, deluge, river rapid, hurricane, tsunami 

• fire ~ warm diffuse heat, focalized burn, intense heat wave, raging forest fire

• wind ~ tickling, gentle breeze, strong gust, tornado 

• space ~ stillness

Now imagine, what would these experiences feel like inside of your own body? As you can see, there is a vast array of what you might experience. Sometimes, the energy builds from gentle to strong, building up to an orgasmic natural phenomenon. Other times, the energy transmutes from one form to another as it moves through your being. 

If your orgasms and sexual energy are focalized in your genitals, you can still feel these energies, although they are much more perceptible if you relax your body and use your breath to move your sexual energy throughout your body. 

You can also visualize each element as corresponding to a chakra within your human body. Each of these chakras is a natural place of origin for each of these elemental energies, so connecting with these different areas of your body can help you to attune to what these energies feel like. Also, breathing into these places during a sexual experience can awaken the elemental energies which reside there:

• 1st ~ root ~ earth 

• 2nd ~ sacral ~ water

• 3rd ~ solar plexus ~ fire

• 4th ~ heart ~ wind

• 5th ~ throat ~ space 

You can also see that the elements, in the above order, have relative densities, beginning with the most dense (earth) to the least dense (space).  This is helpful to remember because one of the qualities you can most easily sense with sexual energy is the density of it.

To offer you an experiential point of reference, here are some specific ways I have experienced elemental energy as sexual pleasure and/or orgasm in my body:

• Earth energy ~ dense and slow moving, like honey, with a depth and richness to it. Rolling and long lasting, creating a feeling of stability and grounding. 

• Water energy ~ like waves flowing through me. Very feminine and sensuous, creating a feeling of softening, relaxation and inner fluidity. 

• Fire energy ~ hot energy shooting through me, bringing intense tingly sensations and to my arms legs hands and feet. Fast moving and masculine, creating a feeling of powerfulness.

• Wind energy ~ a gentle, light and airy energy. Feels somewhat flirtatious and playful. Cooling and enlivening. Creates a feeling of lightness. 

• Space energy ~ inner stillness and spaciousness. Total quietude of the mind. Calm, meditative and otherworldly. Creates a feeling of nirvana. 

The potential for how you may experience each of these elements as energies in your body is as variable as how you may experience any of them outside of yourself in the natural world. You may also experience combinations of elemental energies so the possibilities are endless.

The elements already exist within you, it is simply about tuning into them. The tuning in will deepen your connection to your own body, to your lover and to all of nature. 

Break Free from Co-Dependency

There are three types of co-dependent relationships: 

1. Safety Co-Dependency

2. Security Co-Dependency

3. Self-importance Co-Dependency

I will go more into detail about each of these, but before I do that, I want to differentiate between co-dependency and relying on others: 

*Relying on one another is a necessity. Humans are social creatures and I absolutely recommend that we surround ourselves with people that we can rely on and trust. Consciously taking care of each other’s needs - where it is in alignment for us to do so - brings deep loving energy to our relationships. 

*Co-dependency is an unconscious process. It suppresses our own creativity because we anchor our safety, security or self-importance to another person rather than creating these experiences from being who we are. Denying our essential nature for the perceived stability that co-dependence brings is the unhealthy pattern that may leave us feeling repressed, overwhelmed or trapped in our relationships.   

Safety Co-Dependency

Safety Co-Dependency results when we choose partners who reflect our parental patterns. Because they share characteristics of one or more of our primary caretakers, our minds equate them to being ‘safe’ partners for us (regardless of whether this is actually true). Most of us are not even aware that we do this, believing that the partners we choose are different from our parents, when in fact if we look with an objective lens, we will find that they are quite similar. The familiarity of these individuals makes us feel safe and thus we create a co-dependent relationship with them where we need them to feel safe, rather than generating our own safety from being who we are. These relationships create dynamics where we keep trying to be seen by our partners in ways that we were not seen by our parents. The way out is to understand how to be seen for who we truly are, and engage relationships with those who see us and respond to us in our authentic nature. 

Security Co-Dependency

Security Co-Dependency is created when we engage in ‘exchange of needs’ relationships where we choose partners who provide a need for us, in exchange for us providing a need for them. Initially we may believe that having set roles will allow us to be stronger together, but what we do not see upfront is that it often results in co-dependent patterns. “If you provide this, I’ll provide that” becomes the norm, resulting in a deficit in our own ability to provide for ourselves in particular ways. This traps us in needing the other person to provide a particular need, which may feel good for a while but eventually ends up making us feel limited if we are not able to free ourselves from the roles we have created. We may, for example, become a ‘companion’ or a ‘provider’, both of which are roles that limit the balance of our innate femininity and masculinity, repressing our creativity. The way out is to break free from any set roles we have been playing, so we may express our authentic creativity and create security instead from the gifts we naturally possess. 

Self-Importance Co-Dependency

When we believe our own self-importance is dependent on our partner’s importance, we create Self-Importance Co-Dependency. On this level, there is always some sort of idealization going on, either of ourselves, of our partner (or both). If we idealize ourselves, we believe that our partner needs us to be important. We may enjoy being idealized by our partner, and feel more important because of their perception of our importance. If we idealize our partner, we believe that we need our partner for us to be important, that who they are defines our value. Generally when we are doing this type of co-dependency, we are not seeing the whole picture of who our partner is, nor are we seeing the whole picture of who we are. The downside is that we also feel repulsion, either to ourselves or to our partners, when perceptions shift. The way out is to recognize that being who we are is the only true source of our importance. Our self-importance can only be generated from our SELF.  

Do you recognize your own past or present relationships in any of these descriptions? I know I do! The fact is, most of us engage in co-dependent relationships because we do not understand that there is another way. This is how we have learned to relate, and it is part of our growth process as humans to experience all of these ways of being co-dependent. We are all in a process of coming more and more into being who we truly are. Only when we recognize the cost of co-dependency, do we have the capacity to choose a different way of being together.

Lucid Dream Induction Techniques

Do you want to have a sexy lucid dream (or any kind of lucid dream), but you’re not sure how to get lucid? Then this blog is for you! These are the lucid dream induction techniques with which I have had the most success …

Setting a Strong Intention. Set an intention to become lucid in your dreams, and include why you want to become lucid. If your intention includes how your lucidity will benefit others, that will make it even more powerful. An example of a powerful intention is: “My intention is to become lucid in my dreams so that I can explore my sexuality so that I may have greater acceptance for all sexual expressions that exist in the universe.” Make sure that the intention is authentic for you. After you have set the intention, release it and remain unattached to the outcome.

Dream Journaling or Voice Recording. Immediately upon waking up in the morning, write (or voice record) your dreams. This will send a message to your subconscious mind that you are prioritizing your dream world. If you cannot remember anything at first, don’t worry, simply continue to bring your awareness to your dreams in the morning, and eventually you will remember more and more. Write down anything that you remember, even if it’s just a sense of what might have happened.

Do Frequent State Checks Throughout the Day. During the day, pause and ask yourself the question, “Am I dreaming?” Look around at the world and try to view it as if it were a dream (because it is!) You can also “check your state” in one of the following ways: look at your hand, look for your shadow, try to find the sun and the moon, or jump into the air. If you do any of these actions in a dream, you will notice something is off. For example, when I look at my hand in a dream, it might look huge with super long skinny fingers. The more you look at your hand in your waking life, the more likely you will do so in a dream, and in this way you can realize that you are dreaming. 

Seed your Dreams with Pre-Sleep Mindfulness. Whatever is going on in your mind as you fall asleep seeds your dreams. So if you want to have a sexual dream, think sexual thoughts before you go to sleep. In vivid detail, visualize precisely what you want to experience in your dreams. Do not let yourself get carried away by your thoughts, however. You are the creator of your thoughts, remember that. You want to be very mindful in the time before you fall asleep so that your mindfulness comes with you into your dreams. 

Wake Induced Lucid Dreaming. This is perhaps the most powerful lucid dreaming technique I know. Earlier in the night, we spend more time in deep sleep and less time in REM. Later in the night and into the morning, the opposite is true. This is why we have more dreams closer to the morning. Wake induced lucid dreaming or WILD is the technique of waking up in the middle of the night (usually after 4 to 6 hours of sleeping) and intentionally staying awake for at least 20 minutes before re-entering dream land. If you meditate or practice mindfulness during this time frame, all the better. With this technique, we are attempting to bring our waking consciousness with us directly into our dreams. 

Mnemonic Induction. This is another super powerful technique that you can use when you wake up from a dream in the middle of the night. Immediately upon waking, go over the details of the dream in your mind a few times. Then you will add into the dream a memory of yourself becoming lucid and doing whatever you want to do. For example, you may imagine that you became lucid, found a lover and made love to him or her. Keep repeating this memory over and over again as you fall back asleep.

I hope these techniques are as helpful for you as they have been for me. Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions. I wish you luck in your dreaming pursuits! 

Five Benefits of Lucid Dream Sex

If you talk to almost any avid lucid dreamer, they will tell you the two activities that they most commonly engage when they realize lucidity in their dreams - flying and sex. Today I want to share with you how lucid dream sex can be a wonderful opportunity for delightful experiences as well as spiritual growth. 

Benefit #1 Lucid dream sex can activate your inner playfulness and creativity. You can have so much fun in the night. You may choose a dream character to make love with, or you may intentionally invite someone into the dream. There are no rules of physical reality so you can get super creative with your positions, locations and sensations. I once had lucid dream sex where it felt like my yoni was infinitely long, an endless channel of pleasure. As my dream sex partner penetrated me, his energy traveled deeper and deeper inside of me, with no physical barriers to how deep he could go.

Benefit #2 It can help you get out of your head and into your body. Especially if you are someone who tends to be ‘in your head’ during sex, sexual lucid dreams can be a training ground for more embodied sexual experiences when you are awake. When we dream, our frontal cortex is naturally less active and our primal brain is naturally more active. Our frontal cortex controls our decision making, our judgment and our logical reasoning. Our primal brain is our older, deeper, more animalistic brain. It is the area where instincts originate. Thus, the focus of our consciousness when we are dreaming is different than the focus of our consciousness when we are awake. This allows for uninhibited, raw, primally sexual dream experiences without the interference of the logical mind. With practice, you can learn to bring this primal, embodied sexuality with you into your waking life.

Benefit #3 You can explore your sexual desires in a safe, controlled environment with no physical repercussions. Have you ever been curious about poly-sexuality? Bi-sexuality? Having sex with a particular person? Well, your dreams can be a wonderful place to explore these areas of your sexuality. They can fulfill these needs or desires of yours without you having to actually engage them on the physical plane. You may find that you are a very different person in your dreams than when you are awake, and this is important to be conscious of. Just because something feels right in a dream does not mean that it would feel right in waking life. This is okay. You can simultaneously honor both ways of being without needing to make them mean anything. If you do choose to have sex with a particular person, recognize that you are actually having sex with a version of that person that your mind has created, and not the actual person. Dreams are powerful, so you want to be careful not to project onto that person without their consent.

Benefit #4 Dream lovemaking can guide you to know the different aspects of yourself on a very deep level. I once had a dream in which my Inner Masculine was making love to my Inner Feminine, on an intergalactic throne overlooking our solar system. I first occupied the body of my Inner Masculine and then switched to the body of my Inner Feminine, so I got to experience being and making love with both of these aspects of myself. I experienced the nurturing, wise, magical aspects of my Inner Feminine, and the gentle strength of my Inner Masculine. It gave me a deeper appreciation of my whole self than I had previously experienced. When you make love in a lucid dream, ask yourself, “Which part of me am I occupying? Which part of me am I making love to?” Consider how you are showing up in this lovemaking experience. It will give you insights into how you show up with yourself, how you treat yourself and how you love yourself. You can apply a version of the golden rule here: ‘Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you.’

Benefit #5 You can transmute passionate sexual energy into com-passionate love energy. One of the reasons I love working with sexual energy is that it is so potent, so tangible. While we might not all have a sense of what the energy of compassion feels like, most of us understand what the energy of sexual turn on feels like. If we start paying attention to the particular characteristics of our sexual energy, we can learn to elevate and expand that energy to experience our own energy of compassion. Our hearts are so connected to our genitalia. While having lucid dream sex, try using your breath to cycle your sexual energy from your genitals, to your heart, and then back down to your genitals. As you inhale, the energy moves up and as you exhale, the energy moves back down. Visualize this movement of energy as you breathe, and see what happens! See if you can learn to turn the heat of passion into the warmth of compassion.

Lucid Living

“Samsara is mind turned out, lost in its projections. Nirvana is mind turned in, recognizing its true nature.” - Tulku Rinpoche

I’ve been spending a lot of time in my inner world these days. I’m feeling mostly quiet and contemplative, more receptive than directive. I am learning so much. My main focus has been cultivating lucidity, both in my waking life and in the night as I sleep and dream. Within this process, I have experienced a simple truth: 

The more lucid I become, the more quickly my intentions become reality. 

This is very clear in my dreams. The more lucid I am in a dream, the more I can create the dream as I desire. For example, I am able to change objects or scenery, I have the power to invite people into the dream, or I may work to improve a skill, such as flying.

The same applies to my waking life. The more lucid I am in my waking life, the more I can create my life as I desire. With greater lucidity, I naturally attract the right relationships into my life, I am supported in my life work, and I end up being in the right places at the right times. 

Lucidity is power, and here’s why: As we become more lucid, we become more in touch with our true nature. Our true nature is connected to everything, so the more we live from this place, the more capacity we have to co-create with the universe. 

In my view, lucidity is the single greatest source of power. It is accessible to almost every single human on the planet, and it’s totally free. Nearly all humans have the capacity to look deeply within ourselves (our minds and our bodies). Sometimes, what we find is hard to look at. But if we stay with it, there is a deep peace and a great power on the other side. 

I want to share with you my current favorite meditation* for cultivating lucidity:

Step 1. Lie down on your back, place one hand on your belly and the other on your heart

Step 2. With eyes open, take 21 breaths as you look at the sky or the ceiling

Step 3. Close your eyes and continue to breathe, but stop counting and feel the breath

Step 4. Begin observing your thoughts. Notice what arises. (NOTE: you can do this with feelings, emotions or sensations as well!)

Step 5. As a thought arises, see if you can trace the thought back to it’s source. Where did it come from? What was the origin of that thought? If you can identify the source, the thought will dissolve into no-thingness. 

The whole process should last at least ten minutes, but you can go longer if you’d like. You can use this process just before sleep to induce lucid dreaming, or during the day to induce lucid wakefulness! Lucid dreaming supports lucid waking and vice versa. Lucidity creates more lucidity!

May you enjoy your journey towards greater lucidity, and please feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions!

*This meditation was adapted from the book Dream Yoga by Andrew Holocek

A Guide to Consciously Turning On a Woman

A woman gets aroused from the outside in. Take your time, do NOT rush her, do NOT prematurely enter her. This takes a lot of discipline, but it will be well worth it. A fully turned on woman means longer, deeper more connected pleasure for the both of you. 

Start with her non-genital erogenous zones. Gaze into her eyes, connecting to her soul. Gently caress and massage her body. Ask her where on her body she likes to be touched, and touch her there. Ask her if it feels good, and if not, what she would prefer.

Spend time massaging her legs and thighs. Her legs are the pillars to her temple, so if you can relax her legs, her yoni will relax and open.

The positive pole of a woman’s sexuality is her heart, meaning if you open her heart, you’ll open her yoni. (This is opposite of a man, whose positive pole is his cock). You’ll want to connect with her emotionally, genuinely show her that you love her and care about her. Make her feel safe and connected to you.

You may gently cup and massage her breasts, which are connected to her heart. Massaging the breasts relaxes and opens up the yoni. You can gently stroke or suck her nipples if she enjoys that. Again, if you aren’t sure, ask her what she likes.

If you feel or sense that she wants to be kissed on the lips, kiss her. Relax your mouth and tongue as you kiss her, this will help her relax too.

Take your time with her, and eliminate all expectation for what will happen, simply be in the moment, be with her, tune into her body, give her what she needs. Hold the masculine for her by showing her that you’ve got her, so that she can relax fully into her feminine.

When you sense that she is fully relaxed, you may move your attention to her vulva. Before you touch her vulva, look at it and tell her specific ways in which you find it to be beautiful. You can appreciate its physical form, or its capabilities, or anything else that you love. Then place your hands one on top of the other over her vulva and pressurize it with your entire palm. This will make her feel safe and secure. 

A woman has a vast network of erectile tissue in her body. All erectile tissue within the yoni fills with blood and plumps up when a woman is aroused - first the clitoris and the vestibular (labial) bulbs, and then the urethral sponge (which holds the G-spot) and the perineal sponge (above the perineum).

I recommend first pleasuring the labia, as the labia generally do not need moisture to be comfortable, while the rest of the yoni often does. To engorge the erectile tissue of the labia, gently stroke the labia with your fingers, or use the palm of your hand or your thigh to firmly and evenly press against them. With your thumb on one side of her labia and two fingers on the other side, you can gently pinch her outer lips together. You can even slap her vulva, just be sure to check with her about how much pressure she likes.

Once her labial bulbs are engorged (they will literally feel puffy), you can move to pleasure her clitoris. Using moisture from her or a natural lubricant, stroke the shaft of the clitoris using circular motions. Direct stimulation of the head may be too intense for some women, as it contains 6000-8000 nerve endings! Be sure to check in with her about the pressure, speed and stroke that she prefers. Continue to pleasure the clitoris and the external genitalia to bring her to a high level of arousal - this will ensure that her internal sponges plump up, making her ripe for entry. 

Tune into her experience… is she making sounds? Are her hips moving? Is she in her head or her body? Does she feel ready? These are all cues as to her level of arousal. Once she seems very aroused, you may consider moving your fingers inside of her. Feel for wetness at the entrance and add more as needed. Different women have varying levels of wetness and every woman has varying levels depending on where she is in her cycle. Be gentle at the entrance, as it is a very sensitive place for many women. Move your fingers ever so slowly inside of her. 

Once inside, you can look for the urethral sponge, the erectile tissue which contains the G-spot aka fire trigger. The specific location of the fire trigger varies from woman to woman. The urethral sponge is a tube that wraps around the urinary tract and contains the paraurethral glands, the source of female ejaculation aka squirting! You will find it somewhere along the front wall of the vagina.

The perineal sponge is best accessed through the back wall of the vagina and/ or the anus. Once engorged, both of the sponges like firm, rhythmical rubbing and thrusting. To stimulate the sponges, try:

• One finger or two (try both, see how she responds)

• ”Come here” gesture, stroking along the length

• Windshield wiper, firmly back and forth

• Two fingers inside, thumb outside, grip the whole area and vibrate your hand, start small and get more and more intense

• Run your fingers along the “gutters” on either side of the tube. Reach back to the end of the tube and pull it towards you

If she feels like she has to pee (and her bladder is empty), she may not be aroused enough for stimulation of the inner sponges, in which case you can remove your fingers and return to external stimulation.

If you feel all of her erectile tissue very plump and her yoni abundantly wet, it is almost certain that she will want you to enter her with your cock. If so, enter her gently and enjoy the fruits of your labor!

How To Consciously Navigate Attractions

So you're in a monogamous, committed relationship, you love your partner, you want to be with them....AND.....You find yourself attracted to someone else. 

The attraction is there - it's real - AND your love and commitment to your partner is there - it's real. 

How do you consciously, lovingly, authentically navigate this situation?

The truth is, ALL of us have many attractions throughout the course of our lives. It's human nature. We are social creatures and, from an evolutionary standpoint, our multiple attractions are a key to the survival of the species. 

But what about NOW? There are 7.6 billion of us humans on the planet. Humankind is surviving. Thriving. Overpopulating the earth. 

So, at this point, we have the opportunity to be more discerning in our attractions. If we look closely, the depth and quality of our attractions varies greatly. Some are fleeting, highly sexual attractions. Some feel like an instantaneous emotional bond. Some are intellectual attractions that grow over time spent together. With so many different kinds of attractions, how do we know which ones to pay attention to, and what to do in response to them?

Look for the truth that underlies the attraction. Notice your mindset around it. Explore why you are attracted to this person, what it is you desire. 

Pay attention to the attractions that support you in being your most authentic self. Those that bring you personal fulfillment. Those that inspire your creative expression. Those that make you feel happy and alive! Those attractions have the potential benefit all beings. Those attractions are there to accelerate the evolution of humanity, to create more love and deeper connections.

Notice if this attraction is exclusive or inclusive. Do you want to spend time alone with this person or do you want to integrate them into your life? If you feel exclusive in your attraction, it's probably just for you, not for the world. That kind of attraction can be fun and beautiful in its own way but if you are committed to your partner, it will likely bring conflict to your relationship. Focus on the inclusivity, if it exists. How can you involve your partner (and the world) in this attraction? How can you use the fuel of this attraction to benefit beings and planet earth? 

Communicate with your partner. Lovingly, harmlessly share your truth with your partner. Ask for their thoughts and feelings, and honor their level of comfort. Sometimes they won't be comfortable. Sometimes they will. If you are open and clear about where you stand, you can more easily make a decision together about how to proceed. 

Honor the attraction. If this attraction is in alignment with your authentic expression, honor it! Bring this person into your life in whatever way feels comfortable and aligned for you and your partner. Keep the communication open, keep the truth flowing, keep the love alive.  

To your Conscious Attractions, 

Katie 

How To Alleviate Anxiety

Do you experience anxiety? I can relate. I have had several periods of anxiety in my life and I have made an intention to understand the underlying causes of anxiety so that when it does arise, I may move through it quickly and naturally, and help others to do the same.

First, anxiety is always about desires and fears. It usually comes from the experience that what we desire, we also fear. We may fear that we won’t get what we desire, we may fear that we will get what we desire (and that it won’t actually be what we want), or we may fear that we’ll get something that we don’t desire. 

I’ll give you an example for this. I have a desire to live in a safe, warm, quiet place during the winter. I desire to feel grounded and able to do my work from this place. I fear that I won’t be able to create this for myself every winter, and so I feel anxious. 

Second, anxiety is always about the past or the future. It’s never about the present moment. Notice my example above - it’s about future winters. Although I am living in a safe, warm, grounded place this winter, I still feel anxiety about future winters. Anxiety is bringing the future or the past (neither of which actually exist!) into the present. 

Third, anxiety is caused by an imbalance between our feelings and our emotions.

What’s the difference between feelings and emotions?

Feelings are a subjective interpretation of a combination of sensations that we experience in the moment. For example, the sensations I experience in this moment are warmth, relaxation and stillness…. therefore I feel calm. 

Emotions are energy organizing our experiences through time. Thoughts, beliefs and stories about the past and future all contribute to our emotions. In my above example, I have a complexity of thoughts and stories about my fate for future winters that all contribute to an emotional experience of worry and fear. 

If we are living more in our emotions than in our feelings, we are likely to be anxious. 

So now that you hopefully have a deeper understanding of what anxiety is, how can you address it?

Option 1: Understand the underlying desires and fears contributing to your anxiety. If possible, take action to address them. I’m creating a list of winter options for myself so that I can see how many possibilities there are. I’m also reaching out to loved ones for support.

Option 2: Have a mindfulness practice, bringing your awareness more often into the present moment. This can be tough when anxiety is really alive in your system, but it works well as a preventive practice - you will notice the effects of it over time. One example of a mindfulness practice you may enjoy is mindfulness meditation, in which you watch your thoughts from the perspective of the Observer or Witness within you.

Option 3: Bring yourself into the sensations in your body, spending more time in feeling, in the present moment. This can be done in a variety of ways. My favorite tools to address this are:

• Breath work (deep belly breathing and alternate nostril breathing are my favorites)

• Shaking and sounding (stand or lie down and literally shake your body as you sound to release the anxiety)

• Get into a state of flow. What experiences can you create in your life that will drop you fully into the present moment? Commit to engaging in these experiences more frequently. I get into flow by barefoot rock hopping up creeks. Rock hopping requires a deep level of focus so my mind really has to be present in order to keep my body safe. Also, in nature all my senses are engaged - my eyes take in the beauty of the environment, I smell the trees and the flowers, I hear birds, and I feel the earth beneath my feet.

In my experience, working with all three of the above options is most effective.

Also, it should be noted that stimulants such as caffeine, sugar, and even excessive screen time may contribute to anxiety, so you may consider minimizing these if you experience anxiety. 

I hope this was helpful for you, and please feel free to reach out if you have any questions!

With Love,
Katie

How to Turn Pain Into Pleasure

Pain is one of our greatest teachers. When we experience our pain - I mean really experience it - on the other side there is always the opportunity for pleasure. When we try to numb out or ignore our pain, it doesn’t actually go away. 

I’m not a person who actively seeks pain, nor do I recommend that you do so. But human life inevitably comes with pain, at one time or another, in one form or another. These times of pain are opportunities.

I’m also not suggesting that you immerse into your pain. It is quite different to become enmeshed with your pain than to be consciously aware of and present to your pain. I suggest the latter. 

Here’s why:  the quality of pain is not so different than the quality of pleasure. What is physical pain, really? It’s your subjective interpretation of a combination of sensations. And what is physical pleasure? It’s also your subjective interpretation of a combination of sensations.

Here’s an example:

The sensations of pain might be HOT, STAGNANT, and HEAVY.

The sensations of pleasure might be WARM, FLOWING and LIGHT.

When does HOT become WARM?
When does STAGNANT become FLOWING?
When does HEAVY become LIGHT? 

Where are our boundaries between pain and pleasure?

If we can learn to transmute the sensations, we create the opportunity to transform the feeling.

But how do we do this?

Step 1 - Identify the specific sensations of the pain. (Sensations are objective descriptors like warm, cool, tight, relaxed)

Step 2 - Focus your awareness completely on the pain. You are a witness observer of your pain. Be curious and notice what is present. 

Step 3 - Send high vibration energy of gratitude, compassion and/or acceptance to this pain. 

Step 4 - Be in service to the pain. What does it need? For example, if it feels compressed, give it more spaciousness. You can do this physically by repositioning your body or you can do this by visualizing spaciousness in the area. If it needs love, send it love from your heart or use loving touch. Be creative!

Step 5 - Observe as the sensations change. Don’t have any expectations about what will happen. Simply be with the experience and surrender to the mystery. 

This is a simple process but it may take practice to master! We have been trained to move away from our pain, rather than towards it, so to stay focused on the pain can take some training. Think of it like a meditation. 

In case you are wondering, this also works with emotional pain. Just as physical pain is a subjective interpretation of our physical sensations, emotional pain is a subjective interpretation of our thoughts & experiences over time. So the trick with emotional pain is to identify the underlying thoughts and experiences that have created the painful emotion, to re-wire those thoughts and to change your story. In this way we can turn emotional grief into joy, anger into passion or anxiety into calmness. 

Good luck and feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions!

Why I Love Being On My Period

I actually LOVE being on my period. It makes me feel feminine, magical and connected to nature. But I haven’t always felt this way…

Six years ago, I was soaking in a sacred hot spring at the base of a snowy mountain in Colombia. It was a magical place, reserved only for those who could find it. It had taken us two full days of trekking to reach the springs and we had passed three other couples en route who had tried to find it, only to get lost and have to turn back. When we arrived, there was only one other couple there - local Colombians -  as well as the campesino who stewarded the land for visitors. I had already been traveling in Colombia for four months, with all of my belongings on my back, sleeping in a tent and living closely with nature. Of all the incredible moments on that journey, the conversation I had in that tub stands out as the most life changing. 

A Colombian woman and I began speaking of sexuality. She was beautiful, sweet, and a few years older than me. In Spanish, we spoke of what we enjoyed sexually, our sexual struggles, and finally the topic of birth control. I had been on The Pill for almost 10 years, since the age of 16. She, on the other hand, had her cycle synced with the moon & tracked her ovulation, avoiding intercourse (while still being sexual) on and near her most fertile days. She spoke of how the hormones were not good for our feminine bodies or for Pachamama, our Mother Earth. The way she spoke about her cycle, her sexuality and the earth felt so beautiful to me, and I immediately knew that I needed to follow her lead - for my own health and for the health of the planet. I stopped taking birth control pills that day. 

Over the next several months, I felt my true self emerging from behind the birth control facade. My connection to nature deepened as I synced my cycle to the moon. My sex drive increased. I felt more whole, more real, more connected to my body. I hadn’t realized how much of my essence The Pill was blocking. I felt liberated!

What I hadn’t anticipated was the pain. By stopping birth control, I had invited menstrual cramps (which I hadn’t experienced since high school) back into my life. I began to dread my periods. I would lie at home in bed, writhing in pain or watching movies to distract myself from the excruciating cramps. Or if I had to be out in the world, I would block the symptoms with painkillers, often wishing that I could somehow remove my uterus from my body. 

I started to wonder if this was really how it was supposed to be. It didn’t make sense to me that being a woman on planet earth should necessarily come with monthly pain and a desire to disconnect from my own body. Was it possible for my period to be a positive experience?

So I began my research. Unwilling to go back on The Pill and weary of overusing pharmaceutical pain killers, I began by looking at natural pain relief herbs like ginger and nettle. Making tea from the fresh herbs helped some, but it truly only scratched the surface. Though healthier than Ibuprofen, herbs were still a band-aid approach that targeted my symptoms rather than the underlying cause.

After six months in Colombia, I moved to Santa Fe, New Mexico and began a three year internship with a doctor of Integrative Medicine. Under his mentorship, I had the opportunity to research in depth the underlying causes of menstrual cramps. The most significant piece of evidence that I found was around hormone-like compounds prostaglandins that cause the “cramping” of the uterus. High amounts of prostaglandins in the body lead to increased menstrual cramping. As it turns out, all animal protein contains high amounts of prostaglandins. I found out that by eliminating animal protein from my diet for a few days leading up to my period until Day 2 or 3 (5 or 6 days total), my cramps decreased significantly.

Since my research so far had resulted in profound effects, I decided to keep going to see just how much pain I could eliminate. I had been practicing Yoga for several years and I wondered if this ancient tradition had any wisdom to offer. I discovered that B.K.S. Iyengar had identified 25 poses that help to alleviate menstrual pain. So I incorporated some of these poses into my yoga practice during cycle… and my pain decreased even further. 

I was pretty satisfied with my muted level of pain through applying my research in Herbs, Integrative Medicine & Yoga, so I stopped doing research for a couple of years. Although I still had some mild pain, my periods were no longer something to be dreaded. 

Two and a half years ago, my interest was re-ignited when I began studying mind-body integration techniques as part of my training to become a Love and Sexuality Coach. I realized that the womb holds deep wisdom that can be accessed through these techniques. I learned how to connect with my womb and to listen to her and she taught me that the time we bleed is an opportunity for us women to relax into our femininity… literally to relax & to receive.

I now approach my cycle with gratitude and gentleness. I view it as a time to go inward, to honor my femininity and to connect to nature. My pain has become virtually non-existent. I look forward to my Moon Cycle because it makes being a woman feel magical. It connects me to myself, to the cycles of nature and ultimately to all beings. We are all here because women bleed. 

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Do you experience painful cycles? If so, I invite you to reach out to me with a private message. I would love to assist you in your journey to a pleasurable & pain free cycle. May all women know the magic of their bodies, the gifts of their femininity and their connection to all of nature. 

A Winter Love Story

Everyone always talks about Summer Love, but I never hear people talking about Winter Love. So here is my Winter Love Story…

Two winters ago, I had recently parted ways with a man who I felt deeply connected to. He wanted to be in an open relationship and I desired a deeper, more focused commitment. Wanting so badly to be with him, I tried to honor his desire to be in an open relationship, but ultimately I couldn’t do it - it wasn’t what I wanted, and he was unwilling to compromise. For the first time in my life, I felt rejected by someone who I deeply loved. I was so, so sad that this relationship didn’t work out in the way I desired. 

Prior to this happening, I never thought I was a person who didn’t love myself. I felt like I had a lot of love for myself, but what I came to realize was that I had been relying on external sources to validate my love for myself. I needed others to love me in order to feel love for myself. So when this man didn’t love me in the way that I desired, I questioned myself - my lovability & my desirability. It made me think a lot about who I was, and about who I wanted to become. 

I began reflecting on my past relationships. I realized I had been compromising myself - showing up how I believed others wanted me to - in order to feel loved. I realized that for most of my adult life up until this point, I had always been involved with a man. I had had lots of committed relationships, and in between relationships, I had lovers. There had rarely been even a single day when there wasn’t a man in my life - someone who loved, admired and desired me. 

In all of my adult life, I had never given myself the opportunity to really be with myself, to learn who I truly was. I decided to make a commitment to be in an exclusive relationship with myself for four months, during the winter and early spring. I wouldn’t engage any kind of romantic relationship with anyone except myself, for an entire four months.

During those four months, I did deep inner work. I spent an hour each day engaged in sacred sexuality practices, self love practices, and meditation - deepening my connection to my sexuality, my heart and my mind. I became really curious about who I was, and how I wanted to live my life. I spent a lot of time doing things I loved, independent of others. I contemplated my purpose.

I also looked at the things I didn’t want to look at - the parts of myself that I felt ashamed of, the parts of myself that I feared others would judge. I let myself experience all of my emotions, even the ones that I had been taught didn’t look good, like anger and grief. I brought my darknesses to the surface.

It was the most healing winter. I came to love myself so deeply, so fully (even the dark parts), without need for any external validation. For the first time in my life, I LOVED being alone with myself, exploring my sexuality, spending my free time however I wanted to. I felt blissfully full of love, light and sexual aliveness.

I emerged in the spring with a grounded joyful confidence, more myself than ever before. I had promised that I would not engage in any kind of romantic relationship with anyone else until April 16th, my 30th birthday. And on my 30th birthday, like clockwork, the most flowing, aligned, soul connected love came into my life. I began a relationship with an incredibly evolved man who is on a similar life path, who supports me in being my most authentic self. And because of this work that I had done, I was ready for this relationship. If I hadn’t done this work, I would not have been ready for it. I would have stayed stuck in old patterns, looking for love, sexuality and purpose outside of myself.

This relationship has blossomed and flourished in the most beautiful ways. We share sacred sexual passion and a deep emotional connection. We are growing and learning so much from each other. Because we are so aligned, we spend very little time in conflict, and have abundant amounts of energy to live passionately and enjoy life.

This winter of love was the greatest gift I have ever given myself. I cherish my memories of that time spent with myself and even now that I am in relationship, I continue to spend time with myself almost every day to re-connect to the source of love within me. I know that doing so will bring even more love and connection to my relationship.

Five Questions for Sexual Self Discovery

As humans, we are highly sexual beings. One of the most ecstatic aspects of our humanity is our sexuality. In fact, our variable and dynamic sexuality sets us apart from (most of) the rest of the animal kingdom. 

Each one of us has a unique and authentic sexual expression, though our true sexual natures are almost always altered, suppressed or made wrong by society, our parents, porn, etc. from a very young age. Often we don’t know who we truly are sexually because we haven’t been given the opportunity to be completely open in the way we make love. We haven’t learned how to be fully present to what is showing up for us and our partners sexually.

How can we support ourselves and each other so that each one of us can freely and authentically express our sexual nature, while not imposing our way onto others?

We can engage the process of sexual self discovery!!!

Learning who you are sexually allows you to have the most satisfying sexual experiences. Sexuality is a major part of the human experience on planet earth. Bringing more consciousness into sex enhances your capacity for deep connection, profound pleasure, spiritual transcendence, delightful play, and whatever else you may desire! 

Here are a few questions to get you started:

#1 What are your primary motivations behind your sexual encounters? In other words, what drives you to be sexual? 

Make a list right now. Be honest.

(Some possible answers):

*Release/ Relaxation
*Exploration
*Play
*Security
*Relationship Duty/ Obligation
*To please your partner
*Pleasure/ Orgasm
*Intimacy/ Connection
*Love
*Self Discovery
*Personal Growth
*Connection to Energy
*Spiritual Transcendence 

#2 What would you like your primary motivations behind your sexual encounters to be?

Write them down.

#3 How do #1 and #2 differ from each other? 

Note the differences and/ or similarities.

#4 What are your deepest sexual desires?

What do you seek from your sex life? What would you like your sexual encounters to be like?

Be as honest and open with yourself as possible, no matter how weird, or taboo or crazy you feel. We all have weirdness inside of us. This is your opportunity to let it out!

#5 How can you create more of what you want? 

Identify the obstacles to you having what you desire. Create and commit to a plan to move through those obstacles. Seek support where you need it.

Reflections on My Time at the Free Love Community of Tamera

What is Tamera?

Tamera is an intentional “free love” community of about 160 people on 300 acres in rural Southern Portugal. Their overall intention as I understand it is to create a reality in which all beings can live at peace with themselves, with each other, and with the planet. In addition to their impressive work in fields such as regenerative energy, water, and economy, Tamera is one of the few communities I know of to be actively researching how to be authentic & transparently honest in love and sexuality, which is what attracted me to visit.

What is Free Love?

Tamera defines it as love free from fear, lies and violence. Here at Tamera, people are free to follow their sexual and love desires, and are encouraged by the community to do so, on the basis that at the root of war & conflict, there is a suppression of ourselves, particularly of who we are as sexual and loving beings.

How do they deal with conflict?

As a community! When conflicts such as jealousy and unworthiness arise, the community members are asked to bring them into the open and work through them in a community support group called “Forum”.

What has their research found?

So far, not much definitively. They are not doing any specific research - they are letting themselves free flow and seeing what happens. Tamerians openly admit that they are “in process” and that they are making progress, but they have come to few definitive conclusions at this point.

They have discovered that the basis of change is in changing thoughts and beliefs. Changing the underlying thought structure makes way for changes in feelings and in action.

They have also discovered that most of the residents at Tamera have dynamic sexual expression over time. At times they are more polyamorous, other times more monogamous, and still other times not very sexual at all. This is not necessarily true of the general public but rather the people who are attracted to live in a community of Free Love.

Can their model be applied to communities outside of Tamera?

It depends. While I believe the work they are doing in the Love School is very important, it requires a lot of time and energy to integrate all the issues that come up. So if you have the time and energy, then yes. Human expression of love and sexuality is incredibly diverse and in many ways formed by the culture you live in. So while it is unlikely that their research will come to specific conclusions that can be universally applied, I do believe they may contribute tools, techniques and resources for allowing the natural unfolding of our authentic expression in love and sexuality.

What is the value of being at Tamera?

Tamera inspires and stimulates authentic creative expression, peace and honesty. Many of the residents are highly conscious beings who are clearly doing their life work in service to the greater good of humanity and the planet.

We need more communities doing this work, in their own way, for their own truths to be revealed. We need to change from a universal, homogenized love structure to a world that accepts each individual as the uniquely creative, uniquely sexual, uniquely loving beings that we are.

You can read more about them at www.tamera.org.

How to Have a Clear Peaceful Mind

A clear peaceful mind is the greatest gift of love you can offer to your relationships. 

A clear peaceful mind prevents you from projecting issues from the past into the present. It prevents you from projecting onto others AND from feeling “projected upon”. It allows you to discern between personal issues and relationship issues. 

A clear peaceful mind allows you to show up fully alive, fully aware and offer the greatest wisdom to your loved ones.

How do you create a clear, peaceful mind?

Step 1. Notice if you tend to overdo thoughts.

Step 2. Restore balance. 

So how do you know if you’re overdoing your thoughts….

• Do you feel the need to keep busy to distract you from yourself?

• Do you cycle through repetitive thought patterns without coming to a conclusion or a solution?

• Do you find yourself making up stories in your head and believing those stories as reality?
  

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you likely have an imbalance in your thoughts. You can balance them them through one or all of these three approaches:

*The Inward Approach - Look inward at your own mind through mindfulness. Bring present, compassionate awareness to your thoughts. Sit in stillness and observe the inner workings of your own mind. Shift from entanglement in thoughts to awareness of thoughts. 

*The Outward Approach - Bring your thoughts into physical form through verbal or written expression. Be very present to which thoughts are arising and bring them out into the world in a real way. Question the truth of your thoughts. If you have a story you believe, tell that story to someone to find out if it’s still real when you share it out loud.

*The Embodiment Approach - Too much energy in the head? Move the energy into your body! Physical activity, breath work, massage, sex and immersing yourself into the elements of nature can all help you move the energy away from your head and into your body. What other ways can you think of to move into your body?

Depending on the situation, one approach might help you more than another. Be curious about yourself. Figure out what you need and how to best balance yourself. If you’re not sure, reach out to someone who you trust and open a discussion.

Your clear mind brings you inner and outer peace. It minimizes issues and conflicts in your life, both with yourself and with those you love. It attracts other clear-minded people into your life. It is the greatest source of your sustained happiness. 

To Your Clarity and Peace,
Katie