Even if we speak the same language as our partner, we may have different ways of communicating, which can be almost as confusing as a foreign language barrier! In communication, we all think, feel and act, but we do it in different sequences from one another. We call this factor of compatibility ‘Communication Process’. Understanding differences and similarities on this level can have a major impact on our relationships.
Here are the different communication processes we observe in humans:
Think Feel Act
Think Act Feel
Feel Think Act
Feel Act Think
Act Think Feel
Act Feel Think
Simultaneous and Equal
For simplicity’s sake, today I will speak about ‘Think First’ and ‘Feel First’ individuals, since those make up the vast majority of who will be reading this blog. (Note: we see more ‘Act First’ individuals in certain indigenous communities and in Africa - you can see this in how movement is predominantly used to communicate, more so than words.)
Think First
If you are a think first individual, the first thing you are seeking in a communication is ‘the point’ or the truth. If a person in front of you is talking, your mind is (consciously or unconsciously) thinking, ‘what is the point of what this person is saying?’ Once you know the point, you can move on to the next step in your process. If you are communicating with another ‘think first’ person, this will happen naturally and communication will flow more easily. If you are communicating with a feel first person, you may be confused about ‘where they are going’. You are more time oriented when it comes to communication. You are tuned into the thoughts of others and are intellectually sharp in your communications.
Feel First
If you are a feel first individual, the first thing you are seeking in communication is harmony. You see communication as more fluid and are curious what the person in front of you might be interested in, which will drive the direction of the conversation. You may not know ‘the point’ until harmony is established. You may tell stories in which ‘the point’ comes at the end. If you are communicating with another ‘feel first’, this will happen naturally and communication will flow more easily. If you are communicating with a think first, you may be confused about context and wonder ‘what are they talking about?’ You are less time oriented when it comes to communication. You are highly aware of the feelings and emotions of others as they communicate.
Communication Process in My Relationship
I am a ‘think first’ and my partner Bodi is a ‘feel first’. Although there are many things we appreciate about our difference on this level, it does represent one of the greatest challenges in our relationship. Having this awareness has been instrumental in enhancing our ability to understand and communicate with one another.
Here’s an example of how it can look when we miss each other:
Option 1: Bodi starts talking, telling a story perhaps. I’m not sure what the point of the story is so my mind is scanning for that. I’m also not sure how long this story will be and I have trouble concentrating because I don’t know if I’m in for 1 minute, 5 minutes, 20 minutes until ‘the point’ is revealed.
Option 2: I start talking without offering context and Bodi looks at me with this look like ‘what the heck are you talking about?’ He is unclear about how I arrived at the current thought, it seems random and ‘out of nowhere’ from his perspective.
Here’s how we correct:
If Bodi (a feel first) has something to share and he wants me (a think first) to hear him:
Bodi will recognize that in order for me to pay attention to his story, he will either have to offer the point upfront or get to it relatively quickly. If he considers the story ahead of time he can access the point more easily. It can also be helpful for him to offer me a time frame by saying ‘this will be a two minute story.’
If I (a think first) have something to share and I want Bodi (a feel first) to hear me:
I will pay attention to the tone of my voice, which matters a lot to feel firsts. I will make sure the situation feels harmonious - I might use smiling, touch and relaxation in my body to establish this. I will have plenty of time on my hands. I will recognize that Bodi is not in a ‘psychic thought field’ (as he calls it) like we ‘think first’ people are, so I will offer context to him when I have something to share. Rather than just sharing a ‘random’ thought that pops in, I will start with telling him how I arrived at the thought.
If I am speaking and Bodi wants to adapt his listening to my natural think first style:
He will shift his energy more into his head, becoming more sharp and alert. If the context of what I am talking about is unclear to him, he will ask short, simple questions for his understanding. He will give small confirmations to assure me that he is tracking me. He’ll say things like, ”mmm”, “huh”, “yeah”, “that’s interesting”. He will validate that what I am saying makes sense.
If Bodi is speaking and I want to adapt my listening to his natural feel first style:
I will relax in my body, shift my energy into my heart and take the perspective that ‘I am along for a ride’ as he launches into a story or whatever it is that he is sharing. I will let go of the need to have a point upfront and simply enjoy the process. I will let go of time, allowing more spaciousness into the conversation. I will convey to him, sometimes through words, sometimes through my body (with touch or a nod of my head) that I understand him.
As Bodi and I have consciously practiced these techniques, they have become more natural for us. We have come to appreciate our differences and we now rarely run into trouble communicating despite our different styles. In order for any communication to be complete it needs all three elements - thinking, feeling and acting. The most advanced communicators do these elements simultaneously and in equal proportions. Bodi and I consider our adaptations to one another as ways of moving towards being more simultaneous and equal. This shifts what could be viewed as a ‘downside’ into an opportunity for growth and expansion.
What about you? Do you feel you are naturally a think first or a feel first? Is your partner the same or different from you?