There are three types of co-dependent relationships:
Safety Co-Dependency
Security Co-Dependency
Self-importance Co-Dependency
I will go more into detail about each of these, but before I do that, I want to differentiate between co-dependency and relying on others:
*Relying on one another is a necessity. Humans are social creatures and I absolutely recommend that we surround ourselves with people that we can rely on and trust. Consciously taking care of each other’s needs - where it is in alignment for us to do so - brings deep loving energy to our relationships.
*Co-dependency is an unconscious process. It suppresses our own creativity because we anchor our safety, security or self-importance to another person rather than creating these experiences from being who we are. Denying our essential nature for the perceived stability that co-dependence brings is the unhealthy pattern that may leave us feeling repressed, overwhelmed or trapped in our relationships.
Safety Co-Dependency
Safety Co-Dependency results when we choose partners who reflect our parental patterns. Because they share characteristics of one or more of our primary caretakers, our minds equate them to being ‘safe’ partners for us (regardless of whether this is actually true). Most of us are not even aware that we do this, believing that the partners we choose are different from our parents, when in fact if we look with an objective lens, we will find that they are quite similar. The familiarity of these individuals makes us feel safe and thus we create a co-dependent relationship with them where we need them to feel safe, rather than generating our own safety from being who we are. These relationships create dynamics where we keep trying to be seen by our partners in ways that we were not seen by our parents. The way out is to understand how to be seen for who we truly are, and engage relationships with those who see us and respond to us in our authentic nature.
Security Co-Dependency
Security Co-Dependency is created when we engage in ‘exchange of needs’ relationships where we choose partners who provide a need for us, in exchange for us providing a need for them. Initially we may believe that having set roles will allow us to be stronger together, but what we do not see upfront is that it often results in co-dependent patterns. “If you provide this, I’ll provide that” becomes the norm, resulting in a deficit in our own ability to provide for ourselves in particular ways. This traps us in needing the other person to provide a particular need, which may feel good for a while but eventually ends up making us feel limited if we are not able to free ourselves from the roles we have created. We may, for example, become a ‘companion’ or a ‘provider’, both of which are roles that limit the balance of our innate femininity and masculinity, repressing our creativity. The way out is to break free from any set roles we have been playing, so we may express our authentic creativity and create security instead from the gifts we naturally possess.
Self-Importance Co-Dependency
When we believe our own self-importance is dependent on our partner’s importance, we create Self-Importance Co-Dependency. On this level, there is always some sort of idealization going on, either of ourselves, of our partner (or both). If we idealize ourselves, we believe that our partner needs us to be important. We may enjoy being idealized by our partner, and feel more important because of their perception of our importance. If we idealize our partner, we believe that we need our partner for us to be important, that who they are defines our value. Generally when we are doing this type of co-dependency, we are not seeing the whole picture of who our partner is, nor are we seeing the whole picture of who we are. The downside is that we also feel repulsion, either to ourselves or to our partners, when perceptions shift. The way out is to recognize that being who we are is the only true source of our importance. Our self-importance can only be generated from our SELF.
Do you recognize your own past or present relationships in any of these descriptions? I know I do! The fact is, most of us engage in co-dependent relationships because we do not understand that there is another way. This is how we have learned to relate, and it is part of our growth process as humans to experience all of these ways of being co-dependent. We are all in a process of coming more and more into being who we truly are. Only when we recognize the cost of co-dependency, do we have the capacity to choose a different way of being together.