How to Make Passionate Love Last

I have always fallen in love quickly, easily, and often. But eventually (sometimes quite rapidly), my feelings of romance, sexual desire, and passion, faded. Often they were replaced with the opposite - feelings of repulsion, annoyance, even hatred.

I inquired with family, friends and strangers, most of whom shared that they had similar experiences in relationships. It seemed the status quo accepted this as “normal”.

I began to wonder if I could have a relationship where this didn’t happen.

So I started to research this topic in depth. I talked to hundreds of people about their relationships. I studied Psychology, Tibetan Buddhism, Conscious Relating, and Human Compatibility Factors. I attended two different coaching schools. And now, 10 years later, I have a LOT of answers. And, I am in a beautiful relationship where our passion for each other is not only lasting - it’s growing. 

So, how do you make passionate love last?

#1 Be balanced in your mind & body

Lasting passion is much easier to cultivate if you experience inner vitality by getting what you need energetically. There are four main ways we acquire energy as humans: Nutrition, Sleep, Exercise and Relaxation. Eat foods that make you feel good. Stay hydrated. Sleep well. Move your body. And relax….

Next, you’ll want to fine-tune your energy. As humans we experience the world through our thoughts, emotions, feelings, sensations and intuition. But most of us preferentially use only one or two of those modalities. By bringing more awareness to the other modalities, we create inner balance. Which modalities are you primarily use? Which are you avoiding?

For an example, stagnancy of emotions is one of the greatest killers of passion in relationships. Many of us were taught that we should NOT express ourselves emotionally and this is creating so much rigidity in our sexual and passionate expression in relationships! Express your emotions. E-motion is shorthand for Energy in Motion… emotions want to move, so let them move!

#2 Know and love your true self

Until you know who you are and LOVE who you are, you won’t attract people into your life who know and love you as YOU. And if you’re not being seen and loved for who you are, you will not experience lasting passion. 

#3 Find a highly compatible partner, who aligns to your true self

Compatibility really helps when it comes to creating lasting passion. Why? When you are naturally aligned, you don’t have to put a lot of energy into conflict resolution, which leaves more time for enjoyment of life, and pursuing your passions. When you are naturally aligned, you easily understand each other, which makes your lives together flow. It is possible to keep the passion alive with a less compatible partner, but it will require more work, and will take more time to understand each other. 

#4 Be creatively engaged, and encourage your partner’s creative engagement

Stay connected to your unique creative expression. What gifts do you naturally possess that contribute to the world outside of your relationship? Stay connected to those gifts, keep giving them, and encourage your partner to do the same.

There can be a tendency to become co-dependent in relationships, to immerse in each other to prioritize your partner over yourself, and to compromise yourself to “make the relationship work”. This is a HUGE killer of passion… do not fall into this trap. 

#5 Practice mindful sexuality

I love this one, because it is a powerful bio-hack. This is about using sexuality consciously, to experience sustained levels of pleasure and deep bonding. It’s about monitoring your dopamine and oxytocin levels to encourage focused connection to your partner.

Intense, explosive orgasms that are concentrated in the genitals cause a spike in the dopamine levels in the brain. This feels great in the moment, but the after effects are mild depression and a tendency to start looking for other mates. From a biological perspective, this makes sense: Spread the genetic code. But from a passionate love perspective, this approach doesn’t work. 

So, if you want to keep the passion alive between you and your partner, incorporate more bonding into your lovemaking, to produce more oxytocin, which will bond you to your partner. Eye gaze, cuddle, and make love for long periods of time. If you choose to orgasm, learn how to have relaxed full body orgasms rather than exclusively experiencing the explosive, genitally focused ones. This spreads the pleasure all throughout your being and creates a deeper sense of connection to your partner.

To your Lasting Passionate Love,

Katie

Get Out of Your Head & Into Your Sensations

If you find yourself living in your head more than you'd like, start paying attention to your sensations. Bring more awareness to your body. Notice what is there, and experience it. Distributing your consciousness more evenly throughout your body & mind gives you a more accurate perception of reality, and helps you create the life you desire. 

I find that when I do this regularly, I feel much more connected to myself and to the world around me. I notice a cool breeze on my face, I stay connected to my own hunger and thirst, and I feel much more pleasure inside of my yoni. I also am more aware of when I am doing something that is not healthy for me (like sitting for extended periods of time). It can be so easy to live in our heads, disconnected from our bodies, but there is the potential for so much more connection & pleasure if we choose to spend more time in our bodies. 

If you are not used to describing your sensations, it can be helpful to have a list to refer to. I compiled this list based on the most common sensations that I experience in my own life and in my sessions with clients. I hope this helps you come into deeper connection with your sensational experience of the world! 

Stagnant Sensations:

Tense
Tight
Contracted
Constricted
Congested
Knotted
Blocked
Suffocated
Closed
Dense
Heavy

Moving Sensations:

Shaky
Throbbing
Pounding
Fluttery
Nauseous
Prickly
Tingling
Twitchy
Buzzy
Radiating

Disconnected Sensations:

Dull
Numb
Empty
Hollow

Sensations that often indicate wellbeing:

Calm
Energized
Flowing
Warm
Cool
Relaxed
Open
Light
Spacious
Expansive
Fluid

This list is a great start, but please be creative and come up with your own words that explain your sensations most accurately! 

To your inner balance,

Katie 

The Valley Orgasm

If you’d like to experience orgasms that last longer, provide sustained energy for your entire body and mind, and inspire lasting passionate connection to your partner, this post is for you!

Due to our fast paced lifestyles, the typical western orgasm is often a build-up of tension and pleasure in the genitals followed by an explosive release that can feel intensely pleasurable and can serve as a temporary stress relief. The concentrated peaks of this style of orgasm can be intensely pleasurable in the moment, but there is often a recovery period during which you can feel tired, depleted, or even slightly depressed.

Lately I have been exploring The Valley Orgasm, which is a longer, more expansive, rolling orgasm that travels to other areas of the body and is not limited to the genitals.

The beauty of The Valley Orgasm is:

A - It feels amazing. You will feel deeply relaxed as your entire body and mind get to experience the magic of orgasmic bliss. 

B - By spreading the orgasmic energy throughout your system, you also experience cross-effects, such as laughter and ecstatic happiness, or a light spaciousness inside the head.

C - The after-effect is a feeling of being deeply nourished, energized and more connected to yourself, to your partner and to the world around you. Incorporating this type of orgasm into your lovemaking is one of the essential keys to making passionate love last in a relationship. 

So how do you have a Valley Orgasm?

It’s all about breath, visualization and relaxation. 

You can practice this process while self-pleasuring, or while receiving manual or oral pleasure from your partner, or during intercourse.

Step 1: Build pleasure inside of your genitals, and begin by visualizing the pleasure as a sphere of golden light. 

Step 2: Use your breath to manipulate the pleasure. With each inhalation, let the golden sphere expand and with each exhalation, let the golden sphere contract. Let your breath act as air fanning the flame of your pleasure.

Step 3: When you feel a considerable amount of pleasure, relax your body. Relaxation is key to allowing the pleasure to flow through you. Just like water can’t flow easily through a clogged pipe, the energy of pleasure can’t flow easily through a contracted body. 

Step 4: You will begin to inhale the golden sphere of pleasure up your spine and exhale it down the front of your body. The inhalation will happen in two parts. The first half-inhale, allow your golden sphere to travel up the back of your spine and into your heart. Pause for one second. The second half-inhale, allow your golden sphere to travel from your heart to the crown of your head. Then, touch the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth and let your golden sphere travel down the front of your body back to your genitals. Continue cycling your golden sphere of pleasure like this for at least 15 minutes. (The longer you spend, the longer and more expansive the orgasm has the potential to be.)

Step 5: When feel the energy moving and cycling on its own, you can allow the breath to return to it’s natural fluidity (with no mid-inhalation pause). Keep relaxing the body as much as possible, allowing the breath to freely flow through you, allowing the pleasure to freely flow through you.

Step 6: Release into orgasm and ride the waves! This experience will be unique to you, but generally, you will feel a rolling quality to the orgasm, an expansion of the pleasure throughout your body, and a state of deep surrender and relaxation. You may experience profound emotional states such as bliss. Do not repress anything you are experiencing. Let yourself release in all ways, emotionally, physically and by freeing your voice.

A few things to note:

*This process takes practice! Feeling energy moving throughout your body is an experience available to all of us, but you must be patient and allow yourself the time to develop an awareness of your energy and a certain sense of control over it.

*If you are used to holding tension to create orgasm, you will have to train yourself out of that pattern. While you are learning, it is helpful to blend the old way with the new. So, for example, you could allow your body to relax on each inhale, and then create tension in your genitals on each exhale. This will blend the old neuronal pathway in the brain with the new neuronal pathway that you are creating.

*Pleasure takes on a different quality depending on where it is in the body. Pleasure as you know it in the genitals is going to have a different quality in the heart, in the throat, in the head, etc. This is why I recommend visualizing the pleasure as a golden sphere, so that you can allow it to transmute into whatever form it naturally takes on in other areas of the body.  Try not to hold any expectations of what pleasure will be like in other areas of the body, instead allow yourself to fully experience your sensations.

To your Enhanced Pleasure & Passion, 

Katie

Being a Fully Present Lover

“The way of the lover is to be fully present. May we live the potential of the moment, shedding the distractions of the mind’s busy plans. No direct experience of the wondrous is possible without being emptied of distraction.” - C.M. Kleefeld

The greatest gift you can give to yourself and to your relationships… is to BE HERE NOW. Bliss, intimacy and pleasure only exist in the present moment. If you are open to them, you can freely access these experiences.

Make an intention to be fully present in your relationships, in your love, in your sexuality. Learn to be with yourself in all of your experiences so that you can be with your (present or future) lover in a deeper way than they have ever experienced. Overcome the distractions in your mind and your body that take you out of the moment. Choose to experience what is happening here and now.

Take the time to illuminate and move through your issues from past relationships, so that those same issues do not present themselves again. Do not project the issues of your past relationships onto your present relationships. Instead, choose to show up fresh and open for each person in your life, allowing yourself to see them for who they are right now, in this moment.

How to cultivate deeper presence?

Create a daily mindfulness meditation practice. Learn to be present with your own mind and body, to observe and become familiar with your internal experience. Become intimate with your thoughts, emotions, feelings and sensations. Connect to all aspects of yourself with loving compassion.

Free yourself from fears, judgments, limiting beliefs and stories.Illuminate and acknowledge everything you hold inside of you, even the difficult things that you may feel embarrassed or ashamed of. Once you face your darknesses, they begin to transform into light. If you do not bring awareness to these aspects of yourself, they will subconsciously rule your life and interfere with your relationships and your sexuality.

Follow your vibrancy. Create a lifestyle that makes you feel alive, healthy, and alert. Get enough sleep. Eat foods that give you sustained energy. Drink quality water. Make time for relaxation throughout the day. Move your body in a way that feels balancing for you. Spend as much of your time as possible doing things that make you feel vibrantly alive. Surround yourself with beauty. Nourish the body so that your presence is unhindered by physical imbalances. 

To your blissful presence in love,

Katie