I have always fallen in love quickly, easily, and often. But eventually (sometimes quite rapidly), my feelings of romance, sexual desire, and passion, faded. Often they were replaced with the opposite - feelings of repulsion, annoyance, even hatred.
I inquired with family, friends and strangers, most of whom shared that they had similar experiences in relationships. It seemed the status quo accepted this as “normal”.
I began to wonder if I could have a relationship where this didn’t happen.
So I started to research this topic in depth. I talked to hundreds of people about their relationships. I studied Psychology, Tibetan Buddhism, Conscious Relating, and Human Compatibility Factors. I attended two different coaching schools. And now, 10 years later, I have a LOT of answers. And, I am in a beautiful relationship where our passion for each other is not only lasting - it’s growing.
So, how do you make passionate love last?
#1 Be balanced in your mind & body
Lasting passion is much easier to cultivate if you experience inner vitality by getting what you need energetically. There are four main ways we acquire energy as humans: Nutrition, Sleep, Exercise and Relaxation. Eat foods that make you feel good. Stay hydrated. Sleep well. Move your body. And relax….
Next, you’ll want to fine-tune your energy. As humans we experience the world through our thoughts, emotions, feelings, sensations and intuition. But most of us preferentially use only one or two of those modalities. By bringing more awareness to the other modalities, we create inner balance. Which modalities are you primarily use? Which are you avoiding?
For an example, stagnancy of emotions is one of the greatest killers of passion in relationships. Many of us were taught that we should NOT express ourselves emotionally and this is creating so much rigidity in our sexual and passionate expression in relationships! Express your emotions. E-motion is shorthand for Energy in Motion… emotions want to move, so let them move!
#2 Know and love your true self
Until you know who you are and LOVE who you are, you won’t attract people into your life who know and love you as YOU. And if you’re not being seen and loved for who you are, you will not experience lasting passion.
#3 Find a highly compatible partner, who aligns to your true self
Compatibility really helps when it comes to creating lasting passion. Why? When you are naturally aligned, you don’t have to put a lot of energy into conflict resolution, which leaves more time for enjoyment of life, and pursuing your passions. When you are naturally aligned, you easily understand each other, which makes your lives together flow. It is possible to keep the passion alive with a less compatible partner, but it will require more work, and will take more time to understand each other.
#4 Be creatively engaged, and encourage your partner’s creative engagement
Stay connected to your unique creative expression. What gifts do you naturally possess that contribute to the world outside of your relationship? Stay connected to those gifts, keep giving them, and encourage your partner to do the same.
There can be a tendency to become co-dependent in relationships, to immerse in each other to prioritize your partner over yourself, and to compromise yourself to “make the relationship work”. This is a HUGE killer of passion… do not fall into this trap.
#5 Practice mindful sexuality
I love this one, because it is a powerful bio-hack. This is about using sexuality consciously, to experience sustained levels of pleasure and deep bonding. It’s about monitoring your dopamine and oxytocin levels to encourage focused connection to your partner.
Intense, explosive orgasms that are concentrated in the genitals cause a spike in the dopamine levels in the brain. This feels great in the moment, but the after effects are mild depression and a tendency to start looking for other mates. From a biological perspective, this makes sense: Spread the genetic code. But from a passionate love perspective, this approach doesn’t work.
So, if you want to keep the passion alive between you and your partner, incorporate more bonding into your lovemaking, to produce more oxytocin, which will bond you to your partner. Eye gaze, cuddle, and make love for long periods of time. If you choose to orgasm, learn how to have relaxed full body orgasms rather than exclusively experiencing the explosive, genitally focused ones. This spreads the pleasure all throughout your being and creates a deeper sense of connection to your partner.
To your Lasting Passionate Love,
Katie